2009 Team Photo

After overachieving in last year’s tournament, missing out mathematically on qualifying for the Cup Semis, the Hot Dogs return with some fresh blood to ensure we have no chance of reaching such dizzy heights. For this year's profiles, we've added things to ask our guys about over the post-match beer; if they fail to confess or entertain, it's an automatic fine.

Mike Tsesmelis (8th tour)

In February Mike's girlfriend of 6 months found his (self-written) 2009 profile online, which included the entry, 'Not for the first time, Mike has become single just weeks before a Chiang Mai tour'. The inquisition that followed was of Spanish proportions. Unsurprisingly pen pics this year focus more on cricket. Mike was the Hot Dogs 1st XI's inaugural captain back in 2003, and resumes the role this year after the departure of captain #4. Things to ask about: Hotel stake-outs; cradle snatching

Pete Cain (7th tour)

In a rapidly changing world, last year's profile for Pete hearteningly does not even need amending, "[Pete] has been through some major life changes, but reassuringly is still an appalling cricketer. Position as Morals Manager has come under severe scrutiny following a number of scandals". Things to ask about: Operations of the anus; operations of the scrotum; routes to fatherhood

Chad Blewitt (4th tour)

The Hot Dogs third and most successful ever 1st XI captain joins the tour from Mongolia, where his limited cricketing skills can only have regressed. The things Chad enjoys most about Chiang Mai are shopping and feeling of average height. Hit the 2009 tour with previously unseen aggression. Things to ask about: Hotel fire alarms; the events of 16 September 1992; Mongolian strip clubs

Ben Goodwin (2nd tour)

His first ball last year was a wide on the adjacent strip, he struggled to hit the ball off the square, and the only girl to spend a night in his room emerged to ask one of his team-mates, with a mixture of confusion and worry, “Is he gay?” On the field in Shanghai the Hot Dogs fourth 1st XI captain, taking over from Chad, managed to lead the side from 3 consecutive league titles to the wooden spoon. His leadership nadir came when, with the team in trouble at 60-5 in a crucial fixture, he retired to take a crap. On his return, his dismissal soon followed, and he hugged the opposition wicket-keeper in gratitude. No wonder he moved to Singapore at the end of the season. Ask about: Dating Chinese peasants; leadership

Aaron Telfer (Virgin)

A university friend of Mike's, Aaron was last seen holding a bat in a public park in the summer of 2000. Making the trip out from the UK and with Mike easing towards retirement, Aaron is the most likely candidate to help Ben out with last year's San Miguel girls. Things to ask about: Russian ballerinas; microwaving eggs; being a bridesmaid

Rak Mistry

Not only is Rak assuming the Presidency of the D.P.R. Hot Dogs this year, he is also getting married. Unfortunately for the team, he will be arriving midway through the tournament - about the time when most people are considering a quieter night to recharge the batteries - and will be celebrating both his impending wedlock and his 30th birthday during his stay. When drunk has been known to argue that he looks English, not Indian. Things to ask: How to spot a ladyboy; what happened on his last trip to Thailand

Mike Tsesmelis

8th tour. Known affectionately as "the rock spider” in Shanghai, Mike Tsesmelis returns to Chiang Mai having managed to keep a relationship for more than 6 months for the first time in 10 years. With his new “beard” protecting him, Mike is keen on delivering a performance on the field in Chiang Mai that is in stark contrast to some of the shockers he has delivered off it. Ask about: Poor Sheryl/Jade/Kai-Yi/Ayi/any naive Asian girl who mistakenly believes he is sensitive and caring.