2009 Team Photo

Dilettante n. & a. 1. n. Lover of the fine arts; amateur; one who toys with subject or studies it without seriousness. 2. a. Trifling, not thorough; amateur. [It., f. part. of dilettare f. L delectare DELIGHT]

GREG BICKNELL (Bicks)

Bicks as a seasoned tourist has long maintained ‘preparedness is everything’. So we rifled through his travel bag for a few tips and discovered these pearls of wisdom when travelling, ALWAYS have pre prepared statements on hand should they be required at any hastily convened press conferences. Here are some common scenarios Bicks feels can or have happened on tour, and how to minimise the damage:

• ‘XXXX sincerely regrets any offence taken following his alleged antics in the Tut-Tut’.
• ‘XXXX maintains he has no recollection of being in that vicinity of the bar in question in the early hours during the alleged incident’.
• ‘XXXX maintains that at no time did he enter into a verbal binding contract with the woman in question’
• ‘XXXX maintains the donkey was already deceased upon his arrival to the room’.

On field Bicks is a left hand bat with one shot only. The best and only thing that can be said about his alleged bowling is that at least his action is legal. Bicks will be a late arrival to the tournament, evidently has a clinic appointment in the US with Tiger.

CHRIS HERON (Wally or ‘tenticles’)

Fresh from helping the Australian Tax Department with their enquiries Wally is once again on deck to provide his management services to the team (for a small cash fee). With this man leading from the front success (in some form) is assured as he has confidence so big it can be seen from outer space. The man is so cool he played the part of the ice berg in Titanic, he is so cool he can cryogenically freeze his own seed inside his body! He is so cool he is the one single handedly holding back climate change.

What remains an enigma though is his total ineptitude on the field where his batting closely resembles disco dancing (watch for any attempted shot to the off side it looks like ‘the sprinkler’ and his big swing to cows looks like a Madonna ‘Vogue’ video).

As for his bowling the batsman has to take the Christmas paper wrapping off the ball before dispatching anything from Wally’s hand.

ROGER WECKERT (the heavy Hammer)

Struck down during last years tournament with an as yet ‘unidentified illness’. He seriously let the inexperienced team down spending the first 5 days in bed, never coming up for air and being pampered by an endless stream of young beautiful women working in shifts. Many believe this was due to his wife not arriving until day 5.

On the field he remains a boundary hitter which is handy as he was last seen getting up a jog during the Vietnam war. Blokes chasing you with guns will do that to you, but true to his nature he only jogged begrudgingly! His bowling we believed to be the worst in the team..... until we recruited 3 blokes from country Victoria.

MICHAEL PERRIS (Mick)

Mick has kindly volunteered to wear our teams heart rate monitor during the tournament to further the scientific knowledge of crickets effect on the body. Will be interesting to see the results, early betting indicates though that we may see a higher heart rate during the evenings when in bed, as opposed to any exertion we may see on the pitch. Early reports suggest he will be keeping an adrenaline shot close to the bed to go straight into his heart (pulp fiction style) if the beeping from the monitor gets too intense, as betting suggests it may.

Batting wise well we really aren’t sure why he bothers taking a bat to the crease, in fact we are not sure he knows what it is for to be honest. Bowling wise we need a priest to give the last rites to the ball before he bowls it ( it would be cruel on the ball not doing so, given the punishment we know is coming its way when released).

ANTHONY MURPHY (Murf , The Closer, Stealth Bomber)

After two years and 8 games of gracing the Chiang Mai 6s, Murf has only batted once! This clear aberration is nothing short of a disgrace and demonstrates the poor leadership at the helm of the Dilletantes, which has beleaguered them in recent years. It certainly has nothing to do with the quality of batting ahead of him. In fact, his only sojourn to the crease saw him carry the bat against eventual finalists and previous winners the Gloucestershire Gypsies! Perhaps the fact he made no runs and couldn’t hit the ball off the square may have influenced the Captain in hiding him, or perhaps the Gypsies realised that the Stealth Bomber could be a match winner, and he was, for the Gypsies that is!

Rumours are that the ‘Stealth Bomber’ aka ‘Murf’ has been seen in the bush nets of remote Arnhem Land practicing with a few locals. Will he get a bat in 2010? He certainly will not get a room next to the skipper, the walls are just too thin in the Porn Ping.

ALLAN SPRING

Welcome return from last year, was a wonderful inclusion to the side providing considerable funds to the fines tin, but little to the runs or wicket total. His fines alone had to be reconciled by an independent accountancy firm to avoid the team paying windfall tax on them. We believe the term ‘stimulus package’ was first coined in the wake of Allan’s fines from last year.

On field Allan’s batting style looks more akin to that of an ice hockey goal keeper, takes plenty on the body with no obvious use of the bat. Bowling wise batsmen around the world get excited just at the mention of his name on a team sheet.

GLEN CAMERON

Back for a second tour for some unfinished business involving a lilo. Rumours abound that he may have been sired by a muppet as he appears to have no independent arm or leg coordination of any note. Look closely for the attendant operating his drinking arm via a stick late at night.

On field he gets up a cold sweat just contemplating putting on the pads, and apparently ‘turtle’s up’ when putting on the box. Bowling wise there are as yet undiscovered tribes in Africa never having seen a game of cricket with more chance of hitting the deck with one than Glen is.

SIMON FRY (Cuddles)

Another on his second tour and enjoyed the nickname “Cuddles” for obvious reasons; thought he was quite the ladies man, but like his batting, there was very little follow through or runs on the board.

While Chiang Mai 2009 was Cuddles first international sojourn, he wasted no time in ‘embracing’ the local delights, earning the big fella his rather dubious nickname. Cuddles was also regularly seen hugging a large primate at a certain bar with unconfirmed sightings of the two disappearing off into the Chiang Mai night air together, no doubt for a late net session. It’s safe to say his Dilettante team mates had a rather different view of his cuddling tactics. Darwin is the outback of Australia where men have won a hard-earned reputation as real men! The Darwin Dilettantes wish to make it clear that Cuddles is actually a Victorian ‘ring-in’ who has never actually been to Darwin, where the only acceptable form of cuddling is with crocodiles. Right batsman and bowler, we think!

MARK STAUDE

Mark ( call me Walter ) is on his first trip to Thailand after declaring he would never leave Australia unless his was divorced and rejected as a candidate for the TV Show “ The Farmer wants a wife “ . As both these events have now occurred he has made himself available. He famously captained Pigeon Ponds to a grand final in cricket despite his inability to catch a cold. Despite frequently change his field placing’s the ball followed him and he hold the dubious distinction of the most dropped catches in a winning final. Has been appointed team driver as he only other claim to fame in life is imbedding his flying white Torana sport car into a majestic gum tree at the 10 foot above ground mark.

LIAM MEGARELL (YABBY)

After a serious ankle injury last year, Liam has decided to do his preseason training in Thailand, accompanied by his lovely girlfriend. As a tour virgin we will be expecting a lot from him, he is a medium pace bowler and a slogger, he should assist in allowing the games to finish early, we are just not sure in which teams favour.

SAM NETHERBY

Naturally Sam, arguably being our most talented cricketer is not actually expected to get a game but will be on hand for moral support. May also be used as a deterrent if any of our players get out of hand, we will give them a net session facing Sam. Some talk also of being able to get out of a 500 baht team fine if willing to get into the nets against him, may prove interesting but hazardous for nearly all of our ‘batsmen’.

DENNIS BEARD (One Ball)

Dennis is on this first trip to Thailand, his mission is to confirm if the grass is greener in Thailand after having propositioned the entire female population of Australia between the ages of 18 and 98. A dashing sportsman’s in his younger days he played all sports including, state level chasing women, national level chasing women and also was a pretty fair hand at chasing women locally.

Dennis realised the game was up just recently when he met a lovely girl and as his does married her immediately, unfortunately on the honeymoon they both realised to their horror they had been already married to each other in their early twenties. Swings the ball

MARK CAMPLEMAN (Two Balls )

Mark’s (call me Camp) trip to Thailand has been paid for by his Mom to get him out of her house. Mark is Dennis ( One Ball ) Beard officially designated driver and has suffered post traumatic shock syndrome after many years of being forced to sit in the front of his panel van listening to Denis having his way with noisy cougars in the back of the van. No slouch himself in the cougar department he only returns home to mum after a relationship fails. Like’s a sticky wicket.