Steve (“Fluffy”) Turner: DNB (Does Not Bat); RFM.  Steve is one of cricket’s genuine ferrets; he comes in after the rabbits.  Occupation in his passport says “International wicket-taking fast-bowling chemist” but “wicket-taking” and “fast” are considered to be exaggerations on his part these days.  Even the “chemist” is open to doubt.

Paddy (“Paddy”) Bateson: RHB; LVS (Left-arm Very Slow), WK.  Other players hate batting with Paddy as he is the fittest player on the team and is likely to lap you.  An inveterate fruit eater.

Barrie (“Bazzer”) Radburn: RHB; RESP (Right-arm Even Slower than Paddy), sometime-WK.  Baz will be trying to maintain his record of not batting in Sixes Tournaments.  Can’t bowl, so will be vying with three other team members for the keeper’s gloves.

Bob (“Big Bob”) Phillips: RHB; RFM.  A genuine all-rounder; watch him clear the sightscreen and the hotel buffet at one sitting.  His favourite deliveries are deep-pan pizza and sweet and sour chicken.  Pity any bacon sarnie within his range.

Joe (“Sleaze”) Leese: RHB; RI (Right-arm Indescribable).  Joe’s greatest achievement in Awali (cricket, that is) is hitting the stumps with three consecutive balls but taking no wickets because the ball was too slow to remove the bails.  His right arm will be used for better things than bowling in Chiang Mai.

Keith (“Everard”) Veryard: RHB; sometime-WK; NAB (Not Allowed to Bowl, hence the “sometime-WK”).  Big-hitting batsman of the ”swish-s**t” variety who likes nothing better than to watch his shot towering over cow corner.  His nickname will tell you why he’s really in Chiang Mai.

Kevin (“Gooner”) Lovegrove: NAPC (Not Allowed to Play Cricket).  Kevin has never been seen on the cricket pitch, and thinks that a bail is what you have to stump up after an unsuccessful attempt to drive home from the game.  Does invaluable work around the cabanna and hammocks – especially the hammocks.