2007 Team

TEAM: Ray Blatherwick, William Crichton-Stuart, Terry Eksteen, Ted Fillary, Simon Foxcroft, Dave Harvey, John Hunter, Keith Patterson, Andre Spies and Terry Wallace.

Ray Blatherwick (50)

Ray’s last tour was to Holland (1982) where he narrowly avoided arrest for non-cricketing activities. Believing Thailand to be less restrictive than Amsterdam, he has decided to travel again. Ray is an aggressive batsman who thrashes around at the crease for the occasional boundary while his bowling is erratic enough to alarm third slip. As a pool salesman Ray has a lot of spare time to work on his tan which remains more impressive than his cricket.

William Crichton-Stuart (37)

Don’t be fooled by the smart name, Will is a struggling cricketer being a very slow bowler of little merit. Lean and virile, shaving three times a day,Will is only active at night, sleeps when fielding. A ladies man attracted to strong beverages, Will is keen to meet Thai ladies with whom he can share his many vices.

Terry Eksteen (65)

A geriatric with few redeeming features. Nevertheless, he remains the only upright member of the party whose integrity is beyond doubt. Notwithstanding these sterling characteristics, women inexplicably find him unappetizing. Plays cricket from memory only, but is obvious management material.

Ted Fillary (63)

Semi-retired financial manipulator. Ted attended Oxford University (so he claims) and boasts he once faced Wes Hall and Charlie Griffiths. The decline in his cricket career can be traced to this encounter. Ted is now a very slow bowler, specializing in the ‘wrong-un’ which batsmen recognize as the right one to lift over the fence. He also props up the tail and always bats with a runner. Being a social animal by conviction makes the Far East an irresistible attraction to Ted. Current marital status is uncertain, and is likely to stay so.

Simom Foxcroft (40)

An attorney by calling , he has no problem in upholding the low esteem in which his profession is held. Simon passes for a wicket keeper, and what he lacks in skill he compensates for by appealing often and vociferously. In his best season he made two stumpings (lifting the bails with his cap), 25 dropped catches but only 76 byes. Although unlikely to improve on these statistics he remains eternally hopeful.

Dave Harvey (32)

As the youngest tour member Dave is expected to carry the kit around and take beer orders. Having disgraced himself last year he plans to do so again. Sadly Dave has absorbed the less admirable characteristics of his elders and now exceeds even their excesses. Technically, as a batsman, he plays straight but strangely seldom makes contact with the ball. Nevertheless he remains the teams best and only prospect.

Keith Patterson (50)

Keith is only on tour because the board of his company unanimously decided he needed a break – preferably an indefinite one. In anticipation of playing regularly Keith has lost 20kgs by cycling around his garden. His most memorable bowling achievement was 2 for 64 against a local girls school. He seldom is able to recall any great batting moments – just as well. Keith surprisingly is still married which says a lot for his wife.

John Hunter (65)

Age has withered him, likewise red wine. Nevertheless the spirit remains optimistic. Frequently falls asleep at official functions. John is currently earning a living in England as a pole dancer in a brothel, and also spends time on the dole. Looking to improve his all round game in the Far East, which has stagnated for 50 years.

Andre Spies (38)

This cricketer is new to the tour and much is expected of him. Rumour has it that his record is good, a claim which only time will confirm in the heat of Chiang Mai. When in the money Andre is popular with his team mates and even the fairer sex. As this seldom happens he will have plenty of time to concentrate on his cricket, which probably is in need of attention

Terry Wallace (53)

While new to the team, Terry will not add much to the youth component but will contribute yet more experience. What really is needed is talent. Here Terry does not come to the party as he pushes and prods for the odd single. He claims bowling is his strong point, but can’t find anyone to back this boast. Terry is still married, only because his wife believes he does charitable work at night.