Almar CC team photo, 2006

TEAM: Brett and Steve Bussiahn, William Crichton-Stuart, Terry Eksteen, Simon Foxcroft, John Hunter, Sean Coull, Ted Fillary.

Simon Foxcroft (39) - An attorney by calling, he has no problem upholding the low esteem in which his profession is held. Simon passes for a wicket keeper, and what he lacks in skill he compensates for by appealing often and vociferously. In his best season (1993), he managed two stumpings (lifting the bails with his cap), 25 dropped catches, but only 79 byes. Although he is unlikely to improve on these statistics, he remains eternally hopeful.

Ted Fillary (62) - Semi-retired financial manipulator. Ted attended Oxford University (so he claims) and boasts he once faced Wes Hall and Charlie Griffiths. The decline in his cricket career can be traced to this encounter. Ted is now a very slow bowler, specializing in the ‘wrong-un' which batsmen recognize as the right one to lift over the fence. He also props up the tail and always bats with a runner. Being a social animal by conviction makes the Far East an irresistible attraction to Ted. Current marital status is uncertain, and is likely to remain so.

Terry Eksteen (64) - A geriatric with few redeeming features. Nevertheless, he remains the only upright member of the party whose integrity is beyond doubt. Notwithstanding these sterling characteristics, women inexplicably find him unappetizing. Plays cricket from memory only, but is obvious management material.

Brett (29) and Steve (25) Bussiahn - While these two could be the grandsons of any number of team members, they add a much needed youth aspect. Sadly Brett has absorbed the less admirable characteristics of his elders and now even exceeds their excesses. Cricketing wise, Brett's batting doesn't inspire confidence. Technically he plays straight, between wild swings, but oddly never middles anything. Steve, on the other hand speaks of himself as a bowler, his proudest moment being 2 for 93 off four overs against a local girls reformatory. Unhappily, these two brothers remain our brightest prospects.

William Crichton-Stuart (36) - Don't be fooled by the smart name, Will is a struggling cricketer being a very slow bowler of little merit. Lean and virile, shaving three times a day, Will is only active at night, sleeps when fielding. A ladies man attracted to strong beverages, Will is keen to meet Thai ladies with whom to share his many vices.

John Hunter (64) - Age has withered him, likewise red wine. Nevertheless the spirit remains optimistic. Frequently falls asleep at official functions. John is currently earning a living in England as a pole dancer in a brothel, but also spends time on the dole. Surprisingly still married with two legitimate children. Looking to improve his all round game in the Far East, which has stagnated for 50 years.

Sean Coull (33) - Sean is new in the side and is in for some big surprises. Kit carrier and bar boy being but two of them! Sean still believes that cricket is a fair game played by gentlemen; he shines his boots and changes socks each day. He might look elegant, but sadly his batting skills remain limited, the cowcorner slog largely contributing to an average of around two. Bowling however is his big thing and among the beamers bouncers, no balls and wides, the old straight ball has frightened bewildered batsmen into rash shots and a rare wicket is captured. Big things, however, are expected of Sean.

Supporters

This year Almar has managed to find a few fans to follow them across the seas. As good, submissive and obedient ladies, you will find them quietly sipping their vodka pineapple juices from the Almar box and cheering on cue. However, a word of advise, do not be fooled by their genteel exteriors, these ladies can party with the best of them.