John Dunn: The world's worst cricketer. Sixth visit to Chiang Mai and still singing. Known to send batsmen to sleep whilst waiting for the ball to arrive. Team mates take turns to listen to his crap.

Neil Hutchison: Still the best-looking man in the team - just ask him! Fourth visit to Chiang Mai. An ever-expanding waistline due to a love of burgers and je ne sais quoi.

Dan Jones: Hails from Somerset, hence his nickname "Junior Beef". All-rounder. very round, due to copious quantities of red wine. Said to be shy with the ladies but not the Katoeys.

Kevin Antonio: Wicket keeper nicknamed Poncho. Known to drink large amounts of local spirits and beer, but sadly unable to hold in, like the ball in his gloves. Witnessed last season running after the minibus after a cricket tour with trousers akimbo along the M4 hard shoulder.

Rob Watkins: Nickname Beef. Very round due to a love of Jack Daniels. Crazy about Kylie, but reported to have made a lady pregnant by text, or was it a stir-fry? Lovely cricketer. First visit to Chiang Mai.

Pete Watson: Doesn't want to play, just along for the beer. Nickname "Old Git". Aging rock star and has jammed with many famous stars including the Stones and Beatles, but didn't like the smell of Sandie Shaw's feet. At least has played cards with the Stones.

Paul Cooper: "Cooperman!" Hoping to return to Chiang Mai this year. Genuinely nice guy and sportsman, but known to be easily distracted by wide boys and Katoeys. Has worked hard on bowling wides.