Team at 2002 Sixes

Having found precious little success employing African rituals and voodoo in previous 6's tournaments the boys are back again this year under yet another guise. Hoping that at least one or two of the multitudes of Maori gods will look kindly upon them they have adopted the Maori culture and names under the guidance of resident Kiwi advisors Dean 'Pòtete' Henderson and Ant Mihare Matua Mark 'unfortunately that is my real name's Robertson. Weather this tactic works or they will spend yet another tournament completely rat-arsed and making a disgrace out of themselves is still to be seen. The (un)usual suspects are as follows:

Wally 'Kaieke' Pohl

Regulars to the 6's will know Kaieke well; many more will wish they didn't. The 6's tournament has an unusual effect on Kaieke and for the entire period his vocabulary is reduced to the following two syllable word... "Slammer"! (or occasionally the phrase "Gaan kak in die mielies" ask Kaieke for the translation). As such, unless you are particularly fond of this unique Zimbabwean blend of vodka and soda (most definitely shaken, not stirred!), you would be well advised to avoid Kaieke as much as possible. Having said that, Kaieke has a unique gift of seeking you out when a Slammer is the last thing you want (i.e. before, during and after games). Maori legend has it that Kaieke was the god of rituals involving all things alcoholic.

Steve 'Kuri' Penney

Former Chief of this Tribe of warriors, rumor has it that he lost his title to Dave 'Honky' Hird in an ancient ritual of endurance performed by all Maori warriors (basically involving beer and stating "I can't be arsed doing it any more" as many times as possible). This myth can now be replaced by fact. It has been discovered that Kuri was worshipping the god of all things English and was therefore rightly disgraced and stripped of his title. Narrowly avoided the traditional punishment of being boiled in oil to retain his place in the team. Kuri was the god of charm and elegance so we must assume that Steve 'Kuri' Penney is pronounced differently.

Dave 'Honky' Hird

After exhaustive research and several rounds of DNA testing it has finally been shown that Honky can rightfully take his place in this team of Maori warriors, albeit if only because he saw the movie 'Once Were Warriors'. Sadly these very same tests also confirmed a long held suspicion that Honky is suffering from a terminal condition known as 'Englishititis'. The symptoms of this terrible blood condition include an allergy to the sun and only winning a major sporting tournament once every 37 years. During the tournament donations, especially of superior New Zealand blood, would gratefully be accepted.

Dean 'Pòtete' Henderson

The driving cultural force and ambassador, representative of a nation of fierce and proud warriors. Pòtete isn't any of these things but can at least claim to be the only 'warrior' (in the loosest sense of the word) from New Zealand. As with the ancient Maori warrior Pòtete strikes fear into his opponents though rather than employing the haka has his own unique method of being so short that bowlers are worried anything over 3" will be called a no-ball. Having said that do not be surprised to see Pòtete performing his own unique variation on the haka at some point (either rolling on the ground after snapping an Achilles or to pissed to stand). In ancient Maori legend Pòtete is the god of garden Gnomes and poisonous little Dwarfs

Meyrick 'Moho' Pringle

Formerly of the tribes 'Te Eastern Province' and 'Te Proteas' Moho is again making the step up to join Te Pakeha. True to his warrior nature he enjoys coming to the Chiang Mai 6's to revel in the competitive nature of the event and to test his skills and powers against warriors from other tribes. It has nothing to do with the social side of things, nothing at all; such a fierce warrior would not even harbor thoughts of anything other than the task at hand. A pity then that Kaieke will be there to ensure that the task at hand is a Slammer for offences both real and imagined. After literally minutes of research it transpires that the name Moho does not appear in Maori legend as a god of anything, coincidentally enough however, this name (that was chosen purely at random) can be translated directly into English as "Bonehead".

John 'Kairau' Wood

The new boy of the team. Somehow Kairau makes the connection between being Welsh and being able to play cricket (which is kind of scary as he also makes a connection between his mouth and a glass of alcohol with great frequency also). As he sure as hell can't sing and breaks bones just by stepping onto a rugby pitch the rest of the tribe is hoping against hope that he can at least wield a spear (bat) with something akin to dexterity. Rumored to have joined the team only because he thought tournament sponsor Spotlight were giving out '2 for 1' vouchers, Kairau is an absolute giant of a man... at least when he stands next to Pòtete. Such was the ability of the ancient Maori people to foretell the future that they made Kairau the god of the All Blacks thrashing the Welsh hundreds of years before they even met.