Yesterday I was nominated to write the Lord's Taverners pen pictures. I should be able to this with considerable freedom, because I know very little about this 'team'.

This shouldn't be a problem because you wont want to know about them either.

Tom Hogan
Tom is now a WACA State Selector, so he now wears a coat and tie and knows absolutely nothing. Like most other cricket playing states and countries we don't have any bowlers - batsmen rule.

Tom has installed drunks with nothing better to do, at all points of entry to WA, to throw a cricket ball to each traveller and ask he/she to bowl it back. This scheme has already identified John Taylor and Ben Edmondson who now play for WA.

I suggest that the West Indies do the same.

Shaun Hilton
This man shows his considerable stamina and commitment by playing (and I use the term loosely) about one game a year. This suits him because cricket doesn't interfere with his drinking, and it suits us because he doesn't interfere with the cricket.

He is lucky that he is this year's convener, or I'd have sledged him.

Carrington Shepherd
'Shed' works for the Australian Bureau of Census and Statistics, so he can tell you his batting average to three decimal places whenever he hits (or misses) the ball. He is a disarmingly nice person, but don't trust him he, works for government.

Bertie Baesson
Bert is something of a horticulturist. He tries to lead whores to culture, but they wouldn't recognise it, and neither would he.

Peter Wann
A loose cannon now, since his girl friend got married last year - to someone else - but the cannon isn't what it used to be (but then it never was !).

Simon Foxcroft
Honorary (not honourable) member of the LT rabble. His is guilt by association, but sufficiently guilty to have been awarded the yellow jersey for persistent stupidity, despite all the advice he is given by such pious mentors as Hoges.

Greg Oldfield
Wont actually be coming, as usual.

Glen 'Scratcher' O'Brien
Scratcher will be fitting Chiangmai Hoks (hok is six in Thai, dopy) into his exhausting schedule of international sixes tournaments, between the Colombian Marching Powder Sixes and the John O'Groats Sixes.