Team at 2003 Sixes

Simon Foxcroft (36): An attorney by calling, he has no problem upholding the low esteem in which his profession is held. Simon passes for a wicket keeper, and what he lacks in skill he compensates for by appealing often and vociferously. In his best season (1993), he managed two stumpings (lifting the bails with his cap), 25 dropped catches, but only 79 byes. Although he is unlikely to improve on these statistics, he remains eternally optimistic and consequently has been appointed Captain on a strictly temporary basis.

Steve Heiberg (43): A struggling accountant not withstanding exorbitant fees. He also struggles at cricket, being a very slow bowler of no merit whatsoever. Rotund, but virile, shaving three times a day. Active only at night, sleeps while fielding. A recent divorcee, addicted to strong drink, Steve is keen to meet Thai ladies to share in his many vices.

Terry Eksteen (61): A geriatric with few redeeming features. Age has withered him, likewise alcohol abuse. Nevertheless, he remains the only upright member of the party whose integrity is beyond doubt. Notwithstanding these sterling characteristics, women inexplicably find him unappetising. Plays cricket from memory only, but is obvious management material.

Ted Fillary (59): Semi-retired financial manipulator. Ted attended Oxford University (so he claims) and boasts he once faced Wes Hall and Charlie Griffiths. The decline in his cricket career can be traced to this encounter. Ted is now a very slow bowler, specialising in the 'wrong-un' which most batsmen recognise as the right one to lift over the fence. He also props up the tail and always bats with a runner. Being a social animal by conviction makes the Far East an irresistible attraction to Ted. Current marital status is uncertain, and is likely to remain so.

Keith Patterson (45): Keith is only on tour because the board of his retail company unanimously decided he needed a break - preferably an indefinite one. As one of the younger team members, he can be expected to play every game and in anticipation has lost 20kgs cycling around his garden. Keith regards himself as a spin bowler and frequently recalls his proudest figures of 2 for 93 off 5 overs in a memorable under 13 match against the local girls' school. He doesn't speak much about his batting prowess, which is probably just as well. Keith surprisingly is still married which says a lot for his wife.

Ray Blatherwick (42): Currently a leading pool salesman Ray is often out of his depth on the cricket field. Two knee replacements and a liver condition have restricted his mobility as an opening bat, resulting in numerous runouts. Comfortable threes become dangerous ones or dismissals. Consequently, Ray has few friends among his teammates but is popular with the opposition who buy him refreshments. Unable to bowl or field with distinction Ray's social activities are confined to drinking coke (doctor's orders) and thinking of the girls he could catch if he were quicker. He believes that his chances will improve in Thailand

Chris Verster (27) Young and enthusiastic. Chris might not remain so when his new wife realizes that the Chiangmai honeymoon includes the cricket sixes as a special wedding gift. Time will tell. Chris is still a useful cricketer and has hit a few runs with his favourite shot - the cow corner slog. As a teacher (what is the profession coming to?) he is likely to learn a few things on tour. One being that the youngest packs and carries thee kit, the other is helping the older members home after a hard night in the pub.