Team at 2002 Sixes

Simon Foxcroft: (35)

An attorney by calling, he has no problem upholding the low esteem in which his profession is held. Simon passes for a wicket keeper, and what he lacks in skill he compensates for by appealing often and vociferously. In his best season (1993), he managed two stumping (lifting the bails with his cap), 25 dropped catches, but only 79 byes. Although he is unlikely to improve on these statistics, he remains eternally optimistic and consequently has been appointed Captain on a strictly temporary basis.

Steve Heiberg: (42)

A struggling accountant not withstanding exorbitant fees. He also struggles at cricket, being a very slow bowler of no merit whatsoever. Rotund, but virile, shaving three times a year. Active only at night, sleeps while fielding. A recent divorcee, addicted to strong drink, Steve is keen to meet Thai ladies to share his many vices.

Terry Eksteen (60):

A geriatric with few redeeming features. Age has withered him, likewise alcohol abuse. Nevertheless, he remains the only upright member of the party and whose integrity is beyond doubt. Notwithstanding these sterling characteristics, women inexplicably find him unappetising. Plays cricket from memory only, but is obvious management material.

Ted Fillary (58):

Semi-retired financial manipulator. Ted attended Oxford University (so he claims) and boasts he once faced Wes Hall and Charlie Griffiths. The decline in his cricketing career can be traced to this encounter. Ted is now a very slow bowler, specialising in the "wrong-un" which most batsmen recognise as the right one to lift over the fence. He also props up the tail and always bats with a runner. Being a social animal by conviction makes the Far East an irresistible attraction to Ted. Current marital status is uncertain, and is likely to remain so.

Ron Monk (62):

Aged in oak "Monk the Incredible Hunk" is the largest and oldest member of the party. He has no other note worthy achievements to his name, unless being the leading condom salesman in Southern Africa ( currently an expanding market) merits a mention. This is Ron's second visit to Thailand. Having disgraced himself in Hua Hin two years ago, he plans to do the same in Chiang Mai. With reference to cricket he is looking to improve his all round game, which has stagnated for 50 years.

Keith Patterson (44):

Keith is only on tour because the board of his retail company unanimously decided he needed a break - preferably an indefinite one. As one of the younger team members, he can be expected to play every game and in anticipation has lost 20kgs cycling around his garden. Keith regards himself as a spin bowler and frequently recalls his proudest figures of 2 for 93 off 5 overs in a memorable under 13 match against the local girls' school. He doesn't speak much about his batting prowess, which is probably just as well. Keith surprisingly is still married (the only one in the team) which says a lot for his wife.

Steve Mendes (26):

The youngest member of the party, Steve still likes nothing better than being tucked in with his bottle immediately the sun goes down. It is imperative that he gets a good night's sleep as the side will rely on him to make all the runs and take all the wickets. He will also will have to carry the kit. An ethusiastic batsman Steve is capable of hitting many sixes with his only shot, the cow corner slog. When not sleeping Steve projects a sort of playboy image (much envied by his captain) which he hopes will result in numerous sexual conquests (oh the optimism of youth).