ANDY "THE BRIEF" CHARTERS

His first time on the tour. The team's legal representative off the pitch and on it. In other words because he's new we can blame him for anything we do wrong. And he plays cricket, which is a bonus.

BARRIE "THE JUDGE" RADBURN

Also a first timer, but the judge, jury and executioner of all on field faux pas. Summary justice will be meted out immediately on completion of each match. There are only two verdicts from Barrie, you're either guilty, or guilty as hell. And he occasionally plays cricket.

FERGUS "THE QUIET ONE" SHAW

Another first timer, and we don't really know enough about him to comment. Ask the legal department. Or the Judge. We'll get him for something, don't you worry. But he also plays cricket.

LOUISE "THE NURSE" WOODS

The last of our first timers, and originally drafted in to play for us, our travelling companion has now been stolen from us to be used as the secret weapon in the Ladies grudge match. Which is bad, because she bowls better than The Manager (see below) and plays cricket pretty well.

BOB "THE REFRIGERATOR" PHILLIPS

A veteran of last year's campaign, so named because he's normally full of cold beer and food. Delivers a wicked bouncer when there are women watching (rarely otherwise), and is one of the few that are strangely immune to Wally's slammers. Which won't stop him trying lots of them. Plays cricket, too.

STEVE "LOVELY NARCOLEPSY TILA" TURNER

"Lovely" is the only way to describe this lovely man, who finds everything lovely. Except when he falls asleep. But then some delightful filly can wake him up and it will all be "Lovely" again. Oh yes. Oh and he plays cricket. A manager's dream, and this year's Captain. Lovely.

KEVIN "THE MANAGER" LOVEGROVE

The man that gets the most respect on the team. Until the tour fund runs Out that is. Managed to avoid playing last year by persuading everyone that a test cricketer might be better for the team. A shortage of players this year means that he might actually have to be ridiculed on the pitch. As opposed to off it, which is destined to happen anyway. He sort of plays cricket.