Player Profiles - 2002

Keith Bain - Taking time off from his role as "Tattoo" in the re-make of "Fantasy Island", Keith is returning to Chiang Mai to strike more fear into the minds of batsmen in general and "Minder" in particular. By limiting the Perth Postals star to just 34 runs off his over last year, Keith reckons he definitely had the upper hand in their dual!!

Simon "Tufnell" Blackburn - Announced his retirement from cricket at the end of the 2001 season by deciding to turn out for Galphay 2nd XI in 2002. May be a dangerous move for this injury-prone player as he could be susceptible to spraining his ankle tripping over the turnips in Galphay's notorious outfield.

Richard "Dujon" Briscombe - Last year in Chiang Mai, this shy and retiring player informed Mike Gatting that he was modelling himself upon Gatt. "It's working too Mike" he announced proudly "just look at the size of my arse". An improving disciplinary record saw him reported to the league for foul and abusive language on only 5 occasions in 2001. He was however banned for 4 matches after superglue was discovered on his wicket keeping gloves. Pleaded innocence on the grounds that he was only trying to get the team to "stick together". Dujon's pre match ritual of 4 vodka red bulls and a huge dump (not necessarily in that order) never varies and sets him up nicely for the battles ahead.

Will Pickersgill - Willy, 29, a professional elocutionist who rates Johnathon Ross as his biggest success, is looking forward to returning to the "Ping-Pong Towers"at "Quang My". This Galphay journeyman fulfilled his lifetime ambition by playing for his heroes, Kirkby Malzeard, at last year's tournament and made a big impression with a hat-trick against Jack Frost. Performances before and since would suggest that this was a fluke. Has yet to come to terms with the trauma of being "badgered out" by Dujon for a second ball duck in last season's local derby match against Kirkby. Still in denial.

Mark Fettes - Mark is currently suffering his own worst nightmare of actually having to work for a living!! Consequently he has had to severely cut down on his serial socializing at the golf club - a "blasted nuisance" this. Still with plenty of money in his pocket this year he won't need Keith"200 bahts" Bain to conduct any negotiations for him with regards to sleeping arrangements. Obviously this will lessen the chances of him waking up next to a Thai "Swamp Donkey".

Michael "Wacker" Walker - Unfortunately, Michaels nickname has nothing to do with his ability to strike a cricket ball. His pre-match ritual of consuming vast quantities of industrial strength lager ensures he plays immaculate front drives, but down the wrong line entirely. As a Chiang Mai virgin, he is almost certain to be MIA after his first visit to the Spotlight bar…

Mark Pitt - Mark will require a years supply of hair gel to maintain his distinctive "Bart Simpson" hairstyle in Chiang Mai's oppressive atmosphere. Another first time traveller, he makes Wacker look like a paragon of virtue and is to put not too fine a point on it, a sexual pervert. So that is two empty seats on the return flight to Heathrow then! Marks bowling is as promising as Steve Waughs future one day international career but luckily he can bat a bit.

Charles Harford-Cross - A man desperately in need of a nickname and a hair transplant, marries the lovely Fiona later this year (after the cricket season naturally). As such the boys intend to turn the week into a premature stag party for him. Things will definitely be "premature" if we can locate that lovely lady "Mee Suk Yu" at the Spotlight Bar again!!. As captain of the plate champions Charles will be hoping for a robust defence of the title by his team. Given the opening hours of the local bars he should set his sights lower and just hope six relatively able bodied players turn up at all!

Iain Fraser - Iain, 45, back for his third consecutive year despite vowing never to return to the international arena after a touch of the sunstroke last year caused him to perfect his double orifice donald duck impressions. Mr "scary elephant man" a master of right arm round the wicket, slow bowling will be looking to add to the list of international stars who succumbed to his "Hogan" ball.

Fiona Allan - Another regular who starred with the bat and "schooner" last year as the English contingent of the Womens World All-stars drank their Australian counterparts under the table in the traditional boat race. Fiona's big hope for this trip is that Ramesh "Boardwalk" Ratnayeke will keep his promise and give the girls a few coaching tips.

Sharon McDonagh - Sharon didn't quite realise what she was letting herself in for when agreeing to tour for the first time last year and soon had drafted a list of night spots that were out of bounds to Iain - if he valued his life. Gatt will be glad to hear that her puppies will be touring with her this year as well.