John Hunter (60) : Age has withered him, likewise alcohol abuse. Nevertheless the spirit remains optimistic. Frequently falls asleep at official functions. John is currently earning a living in England as a pimp but also spends time on the dole. Surprisingly still married with ten children, two legitimate. Looking to improve his all round game in the Far East, which has stagnated for 50 years.

Steve Heiberg (36) : struggling accountant notwithstanding exorbitant fees. He also struggles at cricket being a very slow left arm bowler of no merit whatsoever. Rotund but virile, shaving three times a day. Active only at night, sleeps while fielding. A recent divorcee addicted to strong drink, Steve is keen to meet Thai ladies to share many vices.

Terry Eksteen (59) : The only really decent, upright member of the touring party, whose integrity is a light in the surrounding darkness. There is no truth in the rumor he was prematurely sacked from his teaching post for molesting the boys and female staff or that he is currently doing community service at a geriatric home for wayward pensioners following an incident at the nurses college. Notwithstanding his many sterling qualities women inexplicably find him unappetizing. Plays cricket from memory only, but is obvious management material.

Peter Wrensch (40) : The bookmaker's bookmaker, never known to have paid a winning bet. His wife, nevertheless, believes in his honesty and from their unlisted address confirmed he owned the clothes he stood up in. An impeccably turned out opening bat Peter has steadily worked his way down the order and now bats number eleven where he has been on occasions not out for nought. Expects to bat higher in the six a side events. Only called on to bowl as a very last resort.

Simon Foxcroft (34) : An attorney by calling he has had no problem upholding the low esteem in which his profession is held. Simon passes for a wicket keeper and what he lacks in skill he compensates for by appealing often and vociferously. In his best season (1993) he managed two stumpings (lifting the bails with his cap) 25 missed catches and only 79 byes. Although he is unlikely to improve on these statistics he remains positive, particularly off the field where he projects a sort of playboy image, which he believes will result in many sexual conquests.

Janusz Kaminski (23): The only Pole known to play cricket, although when he plays it looks like baseball. Janusz is the youngster of the party and still enjoys nothing better than being tucked in with his bottle immediately the sun goes down. As the only one to get a good night's rest the side relies on him to make all the runs and take all the wickets. He also carries the kit. Last year inexplicably he was rushed to hospital suffering from dehydration and exhaustion. Fortunately it was after the final match so tour members were not unduly inconvenienced. An enthusiastic batsman JK hits many sixes with his only shot, the cow corner slog.

Ted Fillary (56): Semi-retired financial manipulator. Ted attended Oxford University (so he claims) and boasts he once faced Wes Hall and Charlie Griffiths of West Indies fame. The decline in his cricketing career can be traced to their encounter. Now a very slow bowler specialising in the "wrong-un" which most batsmen however recognize as the right one to lift over the fence. A one time enterprising batsman who stole the occasional single, Ted now props up the tail and always bats with a runner. Not much expected of him this tour. As a social animal by nature, Ted is looking forward to enjoying the delights of the Far East. Current marital status is uncertain.

Gavin Gray(51): As one of the younger team members, Gavin can expect to play every game and in anticipation has lost 50kgs cycling around his garden. Gavin likes to be reminded as a spin bowler and recalls proudly his figures of 2 for 93 off 4 overs in a memorable U13 match against the local girls' school. His batting also doesn't inspire confidence and although he plays with a straight bat he never middles anything. Considering his cricketing prowess, Gavin suprisingly is not a heavy drinker. He believes sobriety enhances his chances with the opposite sex. Only time will tell. Currently unmarried and likely to remain so.

Nelson Mandela was enjoying a beer, watching cricket on TV, when there was a knock on the door. "Sign here!" demanded a man with a clipboard. At the gate was a truck loaded with car parts. "I didn't order all this!" exclaimed Nelson. "Oh yes, sir. See your name here. All this for Nissan Main Dealer!"